Nine Weeks In

Dear Mentor Teacher,

The first quarter is over, and still I feel like my year is only beginning. I think that I am learning more than my kids are. In fact, if you asked me what I've taught these last nine weeks, I could tell you - vaguely - but not with much confidence. Elements of plot; how to use 'who' and 'which' to add texture in writing; Bloom's taxonomy. Those are the high points.

Other points include, for better or for worse: teachers can and do curse if you talk enough; there really isn't much of a follow-through on stuff, either in class or from the administration; you really don't have to give a damn to get a grade; there are people out there who are pretty successful, but they don't have much in common with 'normal' people.

Now, as for the things that I've learned... they are many, and many are tragic. A lot of them have to do with school bureaucracy and incompetence. I'm learning to march to my own beat, because the rest of the orchestra is one giant cacophony, and the conductor is late. On some level I realized I would have to adopt a "screw you, I'll just do my own thing" mentality, but I didn't believe it... until now. Nine weeks later. This of course is not meant to be flippant or irreverent... but let's see... oh, yes, it was two months before we received the curriculum we were supposed to be teaching. I wish they had just been up front that it would take that long, and I could have made alternative plans rather than playing the waiting game. Alas, communication.

But back to the main lessons I've learned. First and most pressing on my mind concerns assessment: we take grades not just so teachers can assess learning, but so that students, too, can judge their progress. That's why it's essential to grade for accuracy and not just completing, and to return work promptly. But there is the rub! How many kids would fail if there were no completion / participation grades? Why are there so many Cs in class when the majority of the grades do, in fact, come from completion?

During my interview, the principal asked an interesting question: do grades really teach responsibility? I could see both sides of the argument, and still can, but I'm inclined to agree with him on this one. Those kinds of grades reflect effort, or available time, not actual learning. And so my question now is, if that is what I've been grading, what is the use?

Sorry, dear students. You deserve better. I didn't realize what I was doing. I'll try to change. I only have eight weeks left though, and we've already bought into that culture - both of us, you and me.

I'm also sorry that I didn't realize what you're up against. The cultural bias against you. The community expectations for failure. The domestic turbulence you walk home to every day. The hunger you escape from every morning. The danger from excelling. The psychological decimation you came into my class with, thanks to your previous teachers. I've heard stories, and I've talked to seniors who had your old teachers for several years. I didn't know. I didn't understand. I just assumed. I still make assumptions.

I wish we could start over.

I'll be better next year.

I hope.

There are unbelievable odds against all of us. Thank God for friends, chocolate, and sarcasm. And hope. Tomorrow is a new day.

And so, mentor teacher, I sign off, very tired and considerably more humble than last spring. I'm sorry if I ever rolled my eyes at stuff you did - or didn't. I understand now.

Sincerely,
Your crazy, idealistic student teacher

The Choice of a Moment, and the Opportunity of a Lifetime

Dear Nay-Sayers,

Thank you for your interest in my latest career choices. I appreciate your curiosity and support. However, I would like to remind you that I CHOSE to teach at Grant. Offers abounded. After much thinking and much prayer, Grant is where I felt my heart was happiest. I am well aware of the challenges ahead, as well as the chance for adventure and redemption. This is where I want to be, where I have chosen to be, and where I am supposed to be. I would thank you to support this endeavor with enthusiasm, not raised eyebrows or cynical comments about the neighborhood or the education system in general. Cynicism does not make good conversation.

Have a nice day.

Wand'ring Steps

Having graduated, and having absolutely no idea what my next move is, and wanting more than anything to end up where God wants me, listening for His direction has become vitally important. But it brings up questions like, just how does God talk to us, and when He does, does He spell everything out explicitly, or is it a gradual journey in which we walk, believing that He is guiding us despite our uncertainty, or does He ever just say, "Here are the options, have fun with it!"?

And all these questions have taken me back to Jesus and how we see him interacting with God. But the thing is, we really don't get to see that much. If you'll notice, we have accounts from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, but never Jesus, and since these times with God seem to be intensely personal, we never really see what they're like and what is said - and what isn't said, and what to do.

We assume: God and Jesus had an easy, open relationship in which God clearly communicated everything, and Jesus understood it.

But... really?

If that's the case, how would Jesus really appreciate our position, our wandering steps (sorry, Milton reference :P), our seeking and waiting and questioning... our uncertainty, in other words. Even if he did have that sort of relationship (which isn't implausible), did he always have it, or did he have to grow into it?

What if Jesus, as a man, shared in the same level of uncertainty we experience, the same development of relationship, and is therefore the best model for us, not because he is perfect, but because he had to work for it?

Argument against above proposition: John 5 -- the Son can do only what he sees the Father do... I and the Father are one, etc.

Cool. But the rest of the passage seems to suggest that Jesus does the same things the Father does (like raising people from the dead - a very general category of action), rather than rehash a play-by-play he first sees in heaven ("Watch carefully, Jesus, I'm going to raise Lazarus right after Mary cries... ok, you ready? Watch this... she said it, I'm crying, so you cry, next we're going to the tomb...").

We know Jesus spends a lot of time in prayer and has a really tight relationship with God. I have no doubt that He DOES get specific instructions on some things. He says he does. That's what was so outrageous to the religious leaders. But specific instructions on all things? God did that often for OT prophets, but he seems to be more lasisiez faire in the NT. After all, we have the Holy Spirit - Counsellor, not Dictator. Check out Acts 15:28. Men of God, all of them, but there's no "God says." In fact, Jesus is really the last person to quote God (with the exception of Paul, re: thorn, 2 Cor 12).

Let's go back to Lazarus for a moment, and take a close look at things that aren't actually stated. It's easily one of the most emotional moments in Jesus' career, but we Americans tend to do two things: 1. Jump to conclusions; 2. Marginalize extra emotion. Sometimes I feel like our reading of Jesus is so, so, sterile... it's really difficult to picture him as a feeling, sensitive, emotional being thanks to our Purtianical readings.

So Jesus hears that Lazarus is sick. Let's say that God does give Jesus specific instructions: stay in town three more days. I'm willing to bet that Jesus agonized over that just a little bit; after all, Lazarus was his good friend. But of course he's obedient, and God probably comforts him in some way, similar to how Jesus later comforts the centurion's family: "This will not end in death."

Three days pass and he goes on his merry way, excited to see his friends. As soon as he arrives, he realizes somethings is terribly, terribly wrong. Duhh duhh duhhhnnn.... Lazarus is dead! WHAT?!?! GOD, YOU SAID HE'D BE OKAY. YOU TRICKED ME!! He was my FRIEND!! Imagine the betrayal Jesus *could* have felt. I'm not saying he did, but dooood, "Jesus wept."

WHY would he weep if he knew ahead of time God was going to bring Lazzie back to life? We quickly assume it's because he loved Lazarus (btw, that theory negates the idea that he already know what he was going to do), and especially because he was sad for Mary's grief. How sweet. (If that's true, he's waaaay more sensitive than we ever give him credit for, and all range of emotions are now open for his consumption, and we're gonna have to deal with that... read on, lol). *I* imagine it to be a combination of that and, let's face it, a little bit of anger at God, who could have prevented this whole thing, who kept him from coming sooner, who is just plain troublesome at times.

Wouldn't you be? How many times have we felt that way? Isn't it interesting how we can feel that way - angry and hurt, and yet simultaneously we still fully believe and know that God is good? And yet we're so hurt? Hmmmmm.... so does that mean that *gasp* you can be passionately emotional and still not sin -- still believe God, that He is good, that He is faithful? Does that mean we're... SUPPOSED... to be emotional?

Craaap.

I'm sorry if this interpretation sounds too human for Jesus, but 'human' was at least half of him, right?

It would seem that - in this scenario, at least - God did not give him blueprints for the day in advance, but that it was more of a in-the-moment response, instruction, communication, etc. If that's the case, it offers immense hope to his followers because, as close as he is to God, he doesn't know everything, he's not supposed to know everything, and neither are they. That would mean that... he... is... human... after all... yikes. Maybe that's why he was so appealing to people. If he had waltzed onto the scene to save Lazzie already knowing what he was going to do, he's no better than a showman. But a real, feeling, crying, uncertain Jesus - vulnerable, even, I like that.

Selah.